1 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:03,002 [opening theme music playing] 2 00:00:17,767 --> 00:00:19,853 America, let's talk. 3 00:00:19,936 --> 00:00:22,021 Now, Bernie Mac knows it's been a while 4 00:00:22,105 --> 00:00:24,149 since he said he's gonna kill those kids. 5 00:00:24,232 --> 00:00:28,111 And over the past two years, I've had reason and opportunity, 6 00:00:28,194 --> 00:00:31,573 but I've also learned what every parent and every good husband knows. 7 00:00:31,656 --> 00:00:34,659 That you just got to let things go. 8 00:00:34,743 --> 00:00:36,619 You don't hold it in, America. 9 00:00:36,703 --> 00:00:37,704 You let it go. 10 00:00:37,787 --> 00:00:38,997 [plate shattering] 11 00:00:41,666 --> 00:00:45,378 I don't hear anybody crying, America, so I'm letting it go. 12 00:00:45,462 --> 00:00:48,548 [Jordan] Ow! Ow! 13 00:00:49,090 --> 00:00:50,759 Probably just overreacting, America. 14 00:00:50,842 --> 00:00:53,386 No blood, no harm, so I'm letting it go. 15 00:00:53,470 --> 00:00:57,057 [Jordan] Ow! I'm bleeding! Ow! 16 00:00:57,140 --> 00:00:59,476 All right, America, I'm going to handle this calmly, 17 00:00:59,559 --> 00:01:01,269 then I'm going to let it go. 18 00:01:01,352 --> 00:01:04,939 Jordan? You better not be getting no blood on my dishrag! 19 00:01:05,023 --> 00:01:06,858 The boy bleeds like a white boxer. 20 00:01:09,694 --> 00:01:11,029 Thank you. 21 00:01:11,654 --> 00:01:14,491 Look, Uncle Bernie, they have Nit Wit dolls over there. 22 00:01:14,574 --> 00:01:15,575 Can I go get one? 23 00:01:15,950 --> 00:01:17,118 [kids coughing] 24 00:01:17,202 --> 00:01:19,454 Uh-uh, uh-uh, look, uh, baby girl, 25 00:01:19,537 --> 00:01:20,580 see that line? 26 00:01:20,663 --> 00:01:22,707 Those sick people on that side. 27 00:01:22,791 --> 00:01:25,668 You don't want to go over there. See, you're just here for a checkup. 28 00:01:25,752 --> 00:01:27,420 That's a Sick Wit doll. 29 00:01:27,504 --> 00:01:29,798 Here… look at this Home Decor. You read that. 30 00:01:31,883 --> 00:01:33,593 Look, Uncle Bernie, it's Chris Rock! 31 00:01:34,844 --> 00:01:36,262 Hey-hey, Rock. 32 00:01:36,346 --> 00:01:37,764 Hey, Bernie Mac! 33 00:01:38,264 --> 00:01:39,766 You know Chris Rock? 34 00:01:41,142 --> 00:01:42,268 Yeah, I know him. 35 00:01:42,602 --> 00:01:44,979 Mac, man, it's been a long time. 36 00:01:45,063 --> 00:01:47,899 -Has it? -Yeah, look at you. You got two kids now. 37 00:01:47,982 --> 00:01:50,485 Yeah, well, I mean, yeah, they're my sister kids, though. 38 00:01:50,568 --> 00:01:51,945 Oh, those the crack babies. 39 00:01:52,028 --> 00:01:53,988 I thought that was just part of your act. 40 00:01:54,072 --> 00:01:56,032 Hey, what's up, Cracky? [laughs] 41 00:01:56,157 --> 00:01:57,492 Remember, now, crack is whack. 42 00:01:57,575 --> 00:02:00,120 So, who you here to see? Dr. Fisher or Dr. Cohart? 43 00:02:00,203 --> 00:02:01,830 Well, we here to see Dr. Cohart. 44 00:02:01,913 --> 00:02:04,082 This brother here, he's a biter. See the beaver teeth? 45 00:02:04,165 --> 00:02:05,291 They cut through metal. 46 00:02:05,375 --> 00:02:06,793 The last time I brought him here, 47 00:02:06,876 --> 00:02:09,462 Dr. Cohart gave him a shot, he bit Dr. Cohart, 48 00:02:09,546 --> 00:02:11,089 and Dr. Cohart had to shoot hisself. 49 00:02:11,172 --> 00:02:12,966 [laughing] 50 00:02:13,049 --> 00:02:15,510 Give himself a shot. That's crazy. 51 00:02:15,593 --> 00:02:16,678 Excuse me, Mr. Rock? 52 00:02:16,761 --> 00:02:18,263 Dr. Cohart will see you now… 53 00:02:18,930 --> 00:02:21,432 -Take care, Mac. -Yeah. 54 00:02:23,434 --> 00:02:25,937 Uh, I'm sorry, ma'am. We was here first. 55 00:02:26,020 --> 00:02:27,272 How he go in front of us? 56 00:02:27,605 --> 00:02:29,899 -[giggling] He's Chris Rock. -Ain't that a… 57 00:02:30,900 --> 00:02:32,193 Chris Rock. 58 00:02:32,277 --> 00:02:33,778 [kids coughing] 59 00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:36,531 Hey, baby girl, come from over there. 60 00:02:37,657 --> 00:02:38,616 Come here. 61 00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:41,578 Damn that Chris Rock! 62 00:02:41,661 --> 00:02:44,455 How's he just gonna walk in and steal my place in line? 63 00:02:44,539 --> 00:02:46,124 And who the hell is that nurse? 64 00:02:46,207 --> 00:02:48,793 [high-pitched] "Oh, he can go ahead. He's Chris Rock." 65 00:02:48,877 --> 00:02:51,337 Ha. That's not the only thing he stole of mine. 66 00:02:51,421 --> 00:02:53,131 But I'm not going to go into it right now. 67 00:02:53,214 --> 00:02:55,091 I'm just going to let it go. 68 00:02:56,467 --> 00:02:58,177 But I tell you this much, America. 69 00:02:58,261 --> 00:03:00,763 We're both comedians, and we both do jokes. 70 00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:02,515 Now, y'all figure it out. 71 00:03:04,684 --> 00:03:07,061 [Bryana] Uncle Bernie, I can't see. 72 00:03:10,773 --> 00:03:12,191 This is conjunctivitis. 73 00:03:12,275 --> 00:03:13,359 This is easy to spread, 74 00:03:13,443 --> 00:03:16,154 so we have to wipe down everything she touches. 75 00:03:16,237 --> 00:03:18,740 Uncle Bernie, I have a pink eye. 76 00:03:18,823 --> 00:03:20,867 -Don't touch me right now, okay? -Bernie… 77 00:03:20,950 --> 00:03:22,577 No, no, baby, I got a poker game tonight. 78 00:03:22,660 --> 00:03:23,828 You know, plus, look at that. 79 00:03:23,912 --> 00:03:26,706 I ain't never seen nothing looked that doggone nasty in my life. 80 00:03:26,789 --> 00:03:28,625 Well, you were the one watching her. 81 00:03:30,335 --> 00:03:32,378 It's Chris Rock fault. He distracted me 82 00:03:32,462 --> 00:03:34,255 with that coming back into my life routine. 83 00:03:34,339 --> 00:03:36,257 If he hadn't, she wouldn't be going blind. 84 00:03:36,341 --> 00:03:37,800 -I'm blind? -Not yet. No… 85 00:03:37,884 --> 00:03:39,385 Baby girl, don't touch… 86 00:03:39,469 --> 00:03:42,180 I don't, I don't mean it like that, but don't touch me. 87 00:03:43,181 --> 00:03:44,307 [Jerry] Hey-hey-hey. 88 00:03:44,390 --> 00:03:46,392 I took a chance you'd be at home and look at this. 89 00:03:46,476 --> 00:03:49,062 -Come on, you want to play? Sit in. -No, I'm working for you. 90 00:03:49,145 --> 00:03:51,481 -Yeah. -You know how I sometimes like to do it? 91 00:03:51,981 --> 00:03:53,942 -Well, I got a surprise for you. -Whatcha got? 92 00:03:54,025 --> 00:03:57,362 He's only one of the biggest stars in Hollywood. Come on in, Chris. 93 00:03:57,445 --> 00:04:00,031 Ah, come on, Jerry, you didn't have to say all of that. 94 00:04:00,114 --> 00:04:03,201 You ain't tell us Chris Rock was swinging by, man! 95 00:04:03,284 --> 00:04:04,786 What's up? I'm Kelly, man. 96 00:04:04,869 --> 00:04:06,996 Big fan, man, big fan! 97 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:09,123 What's up, man? W.B., man. 98 00:04:09,207 --> 00:04:11,626 You know, you don't look that skinny on TV, player. 99 00:04:11,709 --> 00:04:13,336 Hey, man, I loved you in The Green Mile. 100 00:04:13,419 --> 00:04:15,421 -[laughter] -The Green Mile! 101 00:04:15,505 --> 00:04:17,423 What's up, man? Chuy, man. 102 00:04:17,507 --> 00:04:20,677 -I love Pootie Tang! -Oh, so, you the one that saw it, huh? 103 00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:22,303 My mother didn't see that one. 104 00:04:22,387 --> 00:04:23,680 [laughing] Oh, he quick! 105 00:04:23,763 --> 00:04:25,265 He quick, man, he quick! 106 00:04:25,348 --> 00:04:29,435 Hey, uh, well, why don't y'all deal him in if you want to play, man? 107 00:04:29,519 --> 00:04:31,187 I'll get some cold beer for everybody. 108 00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:33,398 Jer, meet me in the kitchen, help me with the beers? 109 00:04:33,481 --> 00:04:35,191 -What's up? -Come here, man. 110 00:04:36,150 --> 00:04:38,987 Jerry, what the hell you doing bringing Chris into my house, man? 111 00:04:39,070 --> 00:04:41,155 What? Bernie, we were talking. 112 00:04:41,239 --> 00:04:43,992 Your name came up, he said you were brilliant, I agreed. 113 00:04:44,075 --> 00:04:47,078 Then I told him about the poker game, and here we are, cool kickin' it. 114 00:04:47,161 --> 00:04:48,121 Man, me and Chris… 115 00:04:48,204 --> 00:04:50,915 Are going to be co-hosting the Urban Image Awards together. 116 00:04:50,999 --> 00:04:52,375 And you know what? Don't thank me. 117 00:04:52,458 --> 00:04:54,252 -What? -Oh yeah, the UIAs. 118 00:04:54,335 --> 00:04:55,962 Oh, Bernie, it's a hot new awards show. 119 00:04:56,045 --> 00:04:59,674 It's very noble. What they do is they give props to a lot of little poor kids 120 00:04:59,757 --> 00:05:01,634 who rise above their surroundings. 121 00:05:02,093 --> 00:05:03,094 [guys laughing] 122 00:05:03,177 --> 00:05:05,054 [Kelly] Oh, man, you funny, man! 123 00:05:05,221 --> 00:05:06,973 I'm a big fan, man, big fan! 124 00:05:07,598 --> 00:05:09,017 Jerry, you had no right. 125 00:05:09,100 --> 00:05:10,643 You should have checked with me first. 126 00:05:10,727 --> 00:05:12,687 Come on. I'm telling you, this is very important. 127 00:05:12,770 --> 00:05:14,063 You want to do this. 128 00:05:14,605 --> 00:05:16,566 We're gonna get a Tonight Show spot out of this. 129 00:05:16,774 --> 00:05:20,403 [laughing] Oh! Oh, you funny, man! Brilliant. 130 00:05:20,486 --> 00:05:22,322 Oh, man, you missed it, man. 131 00:05:22,405 --> 00:05:25,116 Funniest stuff I ever heard in my life. 132 00:05:25,199 --> 00:05:28,119 He was talking about when he was at the clinic earlier today, right? 133 00:05:28,202 --> 00:05:30,955 And how his kid's got these nasty little beaver teeth. 134 00:05:31,039 --> 00:05:32,040 Little Beaver teeth? 135 00:05:32,123 --> 00:05:34,042 -Cut right through metal. -Cut through metal. 136 00:05:34,125 --> 00:05:36,419 And-and-and the doctor gave his kid a shot. 137 00:05:36,502 --> 00:05:37,837 And Dr. Cohart gave him a shot? 138 00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:39,338 And the kid bit him, 139 00:05:39,422 --> 00:05:41,549 and then the doctor had to give himself a shot! 140 00:05:41,632 --> 00:05:44,343 He bit Dr. Cohart, and Dr. Cohart had to shoot hisself. 141 00:05:44,635 --> 00:05:45,678 Genius! 142 00:05:45,762 --> 00:05:48,181 I don't know where you come up with this stuff, man. 143 00:05:48,264 --> 00:05:50,016 Oh, yeah, he know where he come up with it. 144 00:05:50,099 --> 00:05:51,100 He get it from me. 145 00:05:51,601 --> 00:05:53,061 What are you talking about? 146 00:05:54,729 --> 00:05:56,731 Chris, you know damn well what I mean, man. 147 00:05:56,814 --> 00:05:59,734 Was at the doctor's office earlier, man. All that stuff I was saying. 148 00:05:59,817 --> 00:06:02,320 Yeah, we had a few laughs at the doctor's office, 149 00:06:02,403 --> 00:06:05,573 but I don't remember who said what. I wasn't counting, you know? 150 00:06:05,656 --> 00:06:07,075 No, no, you never do. 151 00:06:07,158 --> 00:06:09,327 That's funny, you never do remember nothing, 152 00:06:09,410 --> 00:06:11,662 but I guess a leopard don't change his spots, huh, skunk? 153 00:06:11,746 --> 00:06:14,165 Spots? Skunk? Skunks don't have spots. 154 00:06:14,248 --> 00:06:16,584 Wh… Okay, what are you trying to say? 155 00:06:16,667 --> 00:06:18,169 Bernie, you need to relax, okay? 156 00:06:18,252 --> 00:06:19,337 Get out of my house, Chris. 157 00:06:19,420 --> 00:06:22,215 All right. So it's like that, all right? I'm out. 158 00:06:22,298 --> 00:06:24,133 Yeah, that's my line, too. 159 00:06:25,635 --> 00:06:26,844 Is this your walk? 160 00:06:28,137 --> 00:06:29,472 Want me to give it back? 161 00:06:29,555 --> 00:06:31,224 Best move on, Chris. 162 00:06:32,975 --> 00:06:33,810 Uh… 163 00:06:33,893 --> 00:06:35,353 Am… am I missing the joke? 164 00:06:35,436 --> 00:06:36,896 You know something? 165 00:06:36,979 --> 00:06:38,856 You're making my job very hard, okay? 166 00:06:38,940 --> 00:06:40,358 I mean, this is… 167 00:06:40,942 --> 00:06:42,151 so un-dope. 168 00:06:42,443 --> 00:06:43,945 Yeah, earn your keep. 169 00:06:45,279 --> 00:06:47,115 I… I… I thought he was funny. 170 00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:48,241 Yeah, I know you did. 171 00:06:48,324 --> 00:06:49,742 Wipe your mouth off. 172 00:06:49,826 --> 00:06:51,369 -What's that? -Ass. 173 00:06:51,452 --> 00:06:52,787 [laughter] 174 00:06:52,870 --> 00:06:54,831 Now… Now, that's funny. 175 00:07:00,169 --> 00:07:01,754 Okay, Bern, everybody's gone. 176 00:07:01,838 --> 00:07:03,422 Want to tell me what that was all about? 177 00:07:03,506 --> 00:07:05,216 Yeah, I'll tell you what it's all about. 178 00:07:05,299 --> 00:07:07,969 It's about that doggone Chris Rock. He's a joke thief. 179 00:07:08,052 --> 00:07:09,095 [chuckles] 180 00:07:09,512 --> 00:07:10,638 You… You're joking, right? 181 00:07:10,721 --> 00:07:12,181 Look like I'm joking, Jerry? 182 00:07:12,265 --> 00:07:13,599 I'm serious. 183 00:07:13,683 --> 00:07:14,809 It happened a long time ago. 184 00:07:14,892 --> 00:07:16,477 It was at Mr. Laugh. 185 00:07:16,561 --> 00:07:18,646 I remember it like it was yesterday, 186 00:07:18,729 --> 00:07:20,648 and that thieving son of a… 187 00:07:20,731 --> 00:07:23,818 Hey, Chris, there's too much weave in here for me. 188 00:07:24,193 --> 00:07:26,529 Loot at this, got so much horsehair in her doggone hair 189 00:07:26,612 --> 00:07:30,783 I could still see the jockey boot where he be kicking upside the head. 190 00:07:30,867 --> 00:07:31,951 Ah, you funny, man. 191 00:07:32,034 --> 00:07:36,414 Okay, ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Chris Rock! 192 00:07:37,165 --> 00:07:39,667 Go on and get it, man. Tear it down, man. I'm behind you, man. 193 00:07:39,750 --> 00:07:42,003 Whatever you leave, I'll pick up. [chuckling] 194 00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:44,422 All right! Hey! 195 00:07:44,839 --> 00:07:47,467 Boy, sure is a lot of hair weaves in here tonight. 196 00:07:47,717 --> 00:07:48,801 [laughter] 197 00:07:48,885 --> 00:07:50,720 [laughing] 198 00:07:50,803 --> 00:07:53,723 Boy, you got so much horsehair in your weave, 199 00:07:53,806 --> 00:07:55,725 I can see the mark on the side of your head 200 00:07:55,808 --> 00:07:57,560 where the jockey was kicking you. 201 00:07:57,643 --> 00:07:58,978 Jockey was kicking you! 202 00:07:59,061 --> 00:08:01,772 -[chuckling] -[crowd laughing] 203 00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:04,192 I don't know what you're doing with that drink. 204 00:08:04,275 --> 00:08:05,443 You need some oats. 205 00:08:05,526 --> 00:08:06,527 [laughing] 206 00:08:06,611 --> 00:08:09,030 Man, Rock is hilarious. 207 00:08:09,113 --> 00:08:11,449 I don't know how he comes up with stuff like that. 208 00:08:12,033 --> 00:08:13,367 He doesn't. 209 00:08:19,207 --> 00:08:21,792 Okay, just wait a second. So, let me just get this straight. 210 00:08:21,876 --> 00:08:23,753 You want me to take you out of the award show? 211 00:08:23,836 --> 00:08:24,921 Right. 212 00:08:25,004 --> 00:08:28,925 Right. 'Cause I'm your manager, so whatever you want, it's done. 213 00:08:29,008 --> 00:08:30,927 -Cool. Pull me. -Pull? 214 00:08:31,344 --> 00:08:32,386 Good, you're out. 215 00:08:32,470 --> 00:08:34,889 -Thank you. -Yup, no problem here. 216 00:08:34,972 --> 00:08:38,351 I mean, we're not even going to worry about the backlash. 217 00:08:38,434 --> 00:08:40,061 -The backlash? -Yeah, look, Bernie, 218 00:08:40,144 --> 00:08:43,898 no offense, but your peeps, they can be very particular. 219 00:08:43,981 --> 00:08:45,816 -My peeps? -I mean, look, as you well know, 220 00:08:45,900 --> 00:08:47,401 they can be a very fickle crowd. 221 00:08:47,485 --> 00:08:49,237 Do you remember how they booed Whitney? 222 00:08:49,320 --> 00:08:51,989 And I… I'm just worried that if you're not there, 223 00:08:52,073 --> 00:08:55,535 people might take that the wrong way and turn against you. 224 00:08:55,618 --> 00:08:57,203 Ain't nobody gonna turn against me. 225 00:08:57,286 --> 00:08:58,996 And I ain't got nothing to do with Whitney. 226 00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:00,414 No, no, no, no, of course not. 227 00:09:00,498 --> 00:09:01,832 So, you know what we're gonna do? 228 00:09:01,916 --> 00:09:03,751 we're just going to keep this on the down-low, 229 00:09:03,834 --> 00:09:05,461 and your peeps won't even worry about it. 230 00:09:05,545 --> 00:09:08,130 I can't understand you no more. "The peeps" and "down-low." 231 00:09:08,214 --> 00:09:09,674 Man, talk to me like a white man. 232 00:09:09,757 --> 00:09:12,593 It is bad PR for you if you do not do it. 233 00:09:12,677 --> 00:09:14,512 Why didn't you just say that, Jerry? 234 00:09:14,971 --> 00:09:17,515 -All right, then, I'll do it. -Good. Peace out. 235 00:09:20,184 --> 00:09:21,185 Do you feel better? 236 00:09:21,269 --> 00:09:22,353 -Mm-hmm. -Good. 237 00:09:22,436 --> 00:09:24,230 She gets to miss another day of school? 238 00:09:24,313 --> 00:09:26,899 Uh, yes, Jordan. Her pinkeye is still contagious. 239 00:09:26,983 --> 00:09:30,194 I have the eyesight of a mole, and you make me go to school every day. 240 00:09:30,278 --> 00:09:33,948 That's right, so you better get a move on, Mr. Mole. 241 00:09:34,907 --> 00:09:38,828 And I'll get you a washcloth and clean out your sleepy little peepers. 242 00:09:44,125 --> 00:09:45,668 It looks gross, but does it hurt? 243 00:09:46,127 --> 00:09:47,753 -No. -Not even when you pee? 244 00:09:47,837 --> 00:09:48,838 Uh-uh. 245 00:09:48,921 --> 00:09:51,299 But do they have to give you bad medicine and shots? 246 00:09:51,382 --> 00:09:52,883 No. 'Junctivitis is fun. 247 00:09:53,092 --> 00:09:54,969 Wow, I got to get me some of that. 248 00:09:56,679 --> 00:09:59,015 Uh, Jordan, don't touch your sister! 249 00:09:59,098 --> 00:10:01,767 You're not even supposed to be in here. Get out of here. 250 00:10:01,851 --> 00:10:03,394 Now, go before you catch it, too. 251 00:10:03,477 --> 00:10:04,729 [frustrated growl] 252 00:10:06,105 --> 00:10:08,733 I was thinking about doing some father material tonight. 253 00:10:08,816 --> 00:10:12,069 Now, I hope that's okay, or did you write all the father jokes? 254 00:10:12,153 --> 00:10:14,238 Oh, come on, Chris, you know it's okay, man. 255 00:10:14,322 --> 00:10:16,032 I never make fun of your daddy. 256 00:10:16,115 --> 00:10:17,199 Last time I saw your pappy, 257 00:10:17,283 --> 00:10:19,201 he was fighting a alley cat for a piece of fish. 258 00:10:19,285 --> 00:10:21,203 You know he won. He was always good people. 259 00:10:21,412 --> 00:10:22,872 Yeah, your daddy's so black, 260 00:10:22,955 --> 00:10:24,624 lightning bugs follow him in the daytime. 261 00:10:24,707 --> 00:10:26,626 True that, true that. We all dark people. 262 00:10:26,709 --> 00:10:29,670 How your sister doing? I heard she made a million dollars, man. 263 00:10:29,754 --> 00:10:31,839 She charged a dollar a head at the Million Man March. 264 00:10:31,922 --> 00:10:33,674 Well, your sister was there going-- 265 00:10:33,758 --> 00:10:34,925 [phone ringing] 266 00:10:35,009 --> 00:10:36,344 -What'd my sister say? -Hold up. 267 00:10:36,427 --> 00:10:39,013 Hello. Hey, what's up, Marty? 268 00:10:39,555 --> 00:10:41,641 Yeah, I'd love to. Well, send the script tomorrow. 269 00:10:41,724 --> 00:10:42,892 I'll read it. 270 00:10:42,975 --> 00:10:44,810 -[whispers] It's Scorsese. -Yeah, Scorsese… 271 00:10:44,894 --> 00:10:46,395 All right, I'll talk to you. 272 00:10:46,479 --> 00:10:47,772 I might play De Niro's partner. 273 00:10:47,855 --> 00:10:50,024 -Oh, yeah. -Oh, yeah. It's on, it's on. 274 00:10:50,107 --> 00:10:51,776 Yeah, okay, okay, hold on. 275 00:10:51,984 --> 00:10:53,486 Hello, hello, Shaq? 276 00:10:53,569 --> 00:10:55,863 Big fella, what's g'wan? 277 00:10:55,946 --> 00:10:57,573 We still on tonight? 278 00:10:58,032 --> 00:11:00,117 Seven o'clock at the Palm. 279 00:11:00,201 --> 00:11:01,202 Sure you're right. 280 00:11:01,285 --> 00:11:02,286 Hang up. 281 00:11:02,370 --> 00:11:05,206 Me and the big fella breaking bread. 282 00:11:05,289 --> 00:11:06,791 [phone dialing] 283 00:11:06,957 --> 00:11:08,125 Hey, what's up, Shaq? 284 00:11:08,584 --> 00:11:09,627 This is Rock. 285 00:11:09,877 --> 00:11:11,754 Yeah, I'm only in town for one night. 286 00:11:11,837 --> 00:11:13,881 Well, let's have some dinner. 287 00:11:13,964 --> 00:11:15,216 Oh, you got plans. 288 00:11:15,299 --> 00:11:16,634 [chuckling] Okay. 289 00:11:16,717 --> 00:11:19,637 All right, well, let's do it next time. Peace out. 290 00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:21,013 I told you. Ain't no… 291 00:11:21,097 --> 00:11:24,016 -Hold on, hold on. -[phone ringing] 292 00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:25,309 Hello? 293 00:11:25,393 --> 00:11:27,978 Shaq. Big fella. 294 00:11:28,062 --> 00:11:29,522 What's… What, your mama sick? 295 00:11:30,731 --> 00:11:33,484 Yeah. Yeah. All right, I understand. 296 00:11:34,819 --> 00:11:35,861 His mama sick. 297 00:11:36,070 --> 00:11:38,030 -[phone ringing] -Hold on a second. 298 00:11:38,114 --> 00:11:40,408 Hey. Hey, what's up, Shaq? 299 00:11:41,909 --> 00:11:43,536 Oh, you can do it now? 300 00:11:44,995 --> 00:11:46,288 Good, good, good. 301 00:11:46,372 --> 00:11:49,041 Yeah. I'll see you at the Palm at 8:00. 302 00:11:49,583 --> 00:11:50,751 Cool. 303 00:11:53,504 --> 00:11:56,757 First he steal my joke, now he stealing the big man! 304 00:11:57,258 --> 00:11:58,384 Scorsese movies! 305 00:11:59,510 --> 00:12:00,594 Hell. 306 00:12:00,678 --> 00:12:02,179 I mean, not you, Mr. Scorsese. 307 00:12:02,263 --> 00:12:04,390 I mean, feel free to call me anytime you want, okay? 308 00:12:04,473 --> 00:12:05,975 I do movies. I worked with Soderbergh. 309 00:12:06,058 --> 00:12:08,394 [upbeat music playing] 310 00:12:29,373 --> 00:12:30,541 What are you doing with this? 311 00:12:30,666 --> 00:12:32,376 Give it back! It's mine! 312 00:12:32,751 --> 00:12:34,336 Uncle Bernie's right. 313 00:12:34,420 --> 00:12:35,838 You are soft. 314 00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:41,218 [moaning] 315 00:12:44,346 --> 00:12:45,723 Oh, no. 316 00:12:46,348 --> 00:12:47,475 I don't believe it. 317 00:12:48,309 --> 00:12:51,103 How did you get pinkeye? You barely even touched that pillow. 318 00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:52,897 What are you talking about? 319 00:12:52,980 --> 00:12:55,441 You are so lucky. You got the pink gold. 320 00:12:55,524 --> 00:12:56,942 Now you don't have to go to school. 321 00:12:57,151 --> 00:12:59,069 You did this on purpose. 322 00:12:59,153 --> 00:13:00,529 You were trying to get pinkeye. 323 00:13:00,613 --> 00:13:01,614 Aunt Wanda! 324 00:13:01,697 --> 00:13:02,698 No, please, don't, no. 325 00:13:02,781 --> 00:13:03,991 Aunt Wanda! 326 00:13:04,158 --> 00:13:05,993 I'll do anything you want. Anything. 327 00:13:06,410 --> 00:13:07,411 Anything? 328 00:13:07,495 --> 00:13:08,496 Anything. 329 00:13:09,121 --> 00:13:10,122 Okay… 330 00:13:10,206 --> 00:13:11,373 You want the pink gold? 331 00:13:12,124 --> 00:13:13,417 It's going to cost you. 332 00:13:13,876 --> 00:13:14,919 How much? 333 00:13:15,002 --> 00:13:16,003 Everything. 334 00:13:17,838 --> 00:13:19,965 Now, go make me some pudding. 335 00:13:20,049 --> 00:13:21,509 And not the instant kind. 336 00:13:22,092 --> 00:13:23,135 Ugh. 337 00:13:23,719 --> 00:13:26,388 I'll admit it, the whole Shaq thing, that was whack. 338 00:13:26,472 --> 00:13:29,183 That was absolutely whack, okay? I am down… 339 00:13:30,142 --> 00:13:32,019 I am down with not being up with that, 340 00:13:32,102 --> 00:13:33,437 but you got to squash this thing. 341 00:13:33,521 --> 00:13:35,314 How 'bout I squash him like a damn tick? 342 00:13:35,397 --> 00:13:36,774 Remember what's important here. 343 00:13:36,857 --> 00:13:38,275 You're right. My peeps. 344 00:13:38,609 --> 00:13:40,528 No, The Tonight Show. My peeps. 345 00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:42,613 -What? -You got to be the bigger man. 346 00:13:42,905 --> 00:13:45,407 Why I always got to be the damn bigger man all the time, Jerry? 347 00:13:45,491 --> 00:13:47,660 Chris Rock, he the one started it. He stole my joke. 348 00:13:47,743 --> 00:13:50,454 I don't want to be the bigger man. I want to be the petty low man. 349 00:13:50,538 --> 00:13:53,624 -Are you hearing yourself right now? -Yeah, big man hear real good, real fine. 350 00:13:53,707 --> 00:13:54,833 Talk to him, big man. 351 00:13:57,795 --> 00:13:59,213 Chris, you and I need to talk, man. 352 00:13:59,296 --> 00:14:00,839 You need to make some more phone calls? 353 00:14:00,923 --> 00:14:02,633 I'm for real, Chris. We need to talk. 354 00:14:02,716 --> 00:14:04,927 You know what, Bernie, it's about time. What's wrong? 355 00:14:05,010 --> 00:14:06,845 Ten years ago, you stole my hair weave joke. 356 00:14:07,012 --> 00:14:09,390 Bernie, why would I steal a weave joke? 357 00:14:09,473 --> 00:14:10,766 I can't understand it either. 358 00:14:10,849 --> 00:14:12,226 Okay, we were hanging out. 359 00:14:12,309 --> 00:14:15,020 We all did the same type of material 360 00:14:15,104 --> 00:14:18,065 and, you know what, if I did, it wasn't intentional. 361 00:14:18,148 --> 00:14:19,733 Bernie, I studied your act. 362 00:14:19,817 --> 00:14:21,610 It was like the Bible to me. 363 00:14:21,694 --> 00:14:24,321 Yeah, it's possible that something just got stuck in my mind. 364 00:14:24,405 --> 00:14:26,824 It's possible? [scoffs] 365 00:14:26,907 --> 00:14:29,785 America, it's possible that Elvis is still alive. 366 00:14:29,869 --> 00:14:32,955 And it's also possible that Michael Jackson ain't crazy. 367 00:14:33,038 --> 00:14:36,542 And it's possible that Chuy really did see Pootie Tang. 368 00:14:38,002 --> 00:14:39,712 Actually, that is possible. 369 00:14:40,004 --> 00:14:41,213 I looked up to you, man. 370 00:14:41,755 --> 00:14:43,883 And when you cut me off like that, it really hurt. 371 00:14:44,216 --> 00:14:45,217 It did? 372 00:14:45,509 --> 00:14:47,094 Bernie, you were like a mentor to me. 373 00:14:47,177 --> 00:14:49,722 You showed me the ropes, you took me around. 374 00:14:49,805 --> 00:14:51,599 And then you just cut me off, cold. 375 00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:54,018 Over a weave joke? 376 00:14:56,687 --> 00:14:58,606 Oh, my God. 377 00:14:59,607 --> 00:15:01,942 America, I just realized something. 378 00:15:02,026 --> 00:15:04,612 That he was just influenced by my genius. 379 00:15:05,321 --> 00:15:08,449 Stealing, they say, is the highest form of flattery. 380 00:15:08,532 --> 00:15:10,701 And maybe Bernie Mac should be flattered. 381 00:15:11,535 --> 00:15:13,037 Mentor? 382 00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:14,538 Maybe I was. 383 00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:16,665 It's possible, America. 384 00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:18,334 It's highly possible. 385 00:15:26,133 --> 00:15:29,136 This is deli mustard and I asked for Dijon. 386 00:15:29,219 --> 00:15:30,220 No, you didn't. 387 00:15:31,055 --> 00:15:32,473 Eye "pink" I did. 388 00:15:33,474 --> 00:15:34,808 Now where's my pickle? 389 00:15:38,979 --> 00:15:40,940 And here you go. 390 00:15:41,023 --> 00:15:43,984 Cool, I'm going to have mad stupid puss. 391 00:15:45,277 --> 00:15:47,571 Okay, when we come back, two of the funniest guys around. 392 00:15:47,655 --> 00:15:50,074 Chris Rock and Bernie Mac, right after this. 393 00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:52,201 -Bernie. -Hmm? 394 00:15:52,284 --> 00:15:53,452 We made it. 395 00:15:53,535 --> 00:15:54,787 You and I, we made it. 396 00:15:54,870 --> 00:15:58,248 Tonight Show, doing big concerts… 397 00:15:58,749 --> 00:16:00,292 This is great, man. 398 00:16:00,834 --> 00:16:04,588 Well, one thing's for damn sure, little brother. You made it. 399 00:16:04,672 --> 00:16:06,924 Chris, you've got Grammys and Emmys and movies, man. 400 00:16:07,007 --> 00:16:08,968 I'm going to tell you, I'm proud of you, man. 401 00:16:09,051 --> 00:16:10,886 But you know what? That's not important. 402 00:16:10,970 --> 00:16:12,137 You know what's important? 403 00:16:12,221 --> 00:16:13,305 -What? -Friendship. 404 00:16:14,515 --> 00:16:16,100 You and I are friends. 405 00:16:16,183 --> 00:16:19,812 You know, I can't believe I'm in a position 406 00:16:19,895 --> 00:16:21,730 to just throw you a bone like this. 407 00:16:23,482 --> 00:16:24,483 Throw me a bone? 408 00:16:24,566 --> 00:16:25,734 What you mean by that, Chris? 409 00:16:25,943 --> 00:16:29,697 Getting you this gig is my way of saying thank you, Bernie. 410 00:16:29,780 --> 00:16:32,533 I'm throwing you a bone, man. Come on, eat your bone, Bernie. 411 00:16:32,866 --> 00:16:34,326 Throw me a bone? 412 00:16:34,410 --> 00:16:36,203 Give me some pity job? 413 00:16:36,286 --> 00:16:38,539 Bernie Mac don't need no bone. 414 00:16:38,622 --> 00:16:40,499 Okay, we'll see. 415 00:16:40,582 --> 00:16:42,084 You want to throw me some bones? 416 00:16:42,167 --> 00:16:43,627 Fine, fine. 417 00:16:43,711 --> 00:16:45,379 When I'm done with him, 418 00:16:45,462 --> 00:16:47,840 ain't going to be nothing left but a pile of bones. 419 00:16:47,923 --> 00:16:48,924 I'm the Mac. 420 00:16:49,174 --> 00:16:50,175 Welcome back, folks. 421 00:16:50,259 --> 00:16:52,136 If you appreciate comedy, you know my guests. 422 00:16:52,219 --> 00:16:54,179 Please welcome Chris Rock and Bernie Mac. 423 00:16:54,263 --> 00:16:56,932 [cheering] 424 00:17:01,437 --> 00:17:02,730 Welcome, gentleman. 425 00:17:02,813 --> 00:17:04,148 What's up, man? 426 00:17:04,231 --> 00:17:05,774 Good to see you. Have a seat. 427 00:17:12,531 --> 00:17:13,615 Now. 428 00:17:14,116 --> 00:17:15,617 Now I know you guys are cohosting the… 429 00:17:15,701 --> 00:17:18,829 what is it, the Urban Image Awards which is Ebonics for "no white people". 430 00:17:18,912 --> 00:17:21,165 -Is that what that means? -[laughs] Something like that. 431 00:17:21,248 --> 00:17:22,291 What is that all about? 432 00:17:22,374 --> 00:17:25,044 It's a bunch of brothers who just got out of the penitentiary. 433 00:17:25,127 --> 00:17:26,503 Change their lives. 434 00:17:26,587 --> 00:17:29,048 And we're going to try to do a little something. Right, Chris? 435 00:17:29,131 --> 00:17:31,383 -Yeah, it's about a-- -I'll handle this, Chris. 436 00:17:31,467 --> 00:17:34,261 I've been giving back to the community for a long, long time. 437 00:17:34,344 --> 00:17:38,098 You know that. I've been a mentor to a lot of young kids, 438 00:17:38,182 --> 00:17:39,308 not just Black. 439 00:17:39,391 --> 00:17:41,810 Uh, but I was a mentor to Chris. 440 00:17:42,186 --> 00:17:45,731 -Really? -Oh, shoot, yeah, man. [laughs] 441 00:17:46,273 --> 00:17:48,192 So he got a lot of what he does from you. 442 00:17:48,442 --> 00:17:49,610 Got a lot? 443 00:17:49,693 --> 00:17:52,780 I mean, Jay. A lot of people think Chris here is me, you know? 444 00:17:52,863 --> 00:17:55,616 -Really? Wow. -You know, back in the day, 445 00:17:55,699 --> 00:17:57,284 Chris used to come to the comedy clubs, 446 00:17:57,367 --> 00:17:59,078 he always used to tell those stupid jokes. 447 00:17:59,161 --> 00:18:01,622 You know, he was so skinny, I mean, looking at him naked 448 00:18:01,705 --> 00:18:03,791 was like looking at his X-rays, you know what I mean? 449 00:18:03,874 --> 00:18:05,209 Yeah, yeah. 450 00:18:06,001 --> 00:18:09,671 And his family was so damn poor, they used to put cereal on layaway. 451 00:18:09,755 --> 00:18:12,049 -Really? -[laughing] 452 00:18:13,884 --> 00:18:15,135 Whoo-hoo! 453 00:18:16,595 --> 00:18:19,473 So, Chris, you based a lot of your humor on Bernie, is that right? 454 00:18:19,556 --> 00:18:21,725 I can't make fun of Bernie Mac here. 455 00:18:21,809 --> 00:18:24,061 Bernie Mac's from a very smart family. 456 00:18:24,144 --> 00:18:27,147 His aunt was the first million dollar prostitute. 457 00:18:27,314 --> 00:18:28,440 Really? 458 00:18:28,524 --> 00:18:29,525 Yes. 459 00:18:29,608 --> 00:18:31,360 Want to know how she made a million dollars? 460 00:18:31,443 --> 00:18:33,821 She charged a dollar a head at the Million Man March. 461 00:18:33,904 --> 00:18:36,031 -[laughter] -That was his aunt. 462 00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:37,282 Chris, that is great stuff. 463 00:18:37,366 --> 00:18:38,909 I don't know where you get it. 464 00:18:39,368 --> 00:18:41,370 America, y'all know. 465 00:18:41,453 --> 00:18:42,454 From me. 466 00:18:45,666 --> 00:18:46,834 Shoot! 467 00:18:48,418 --> 00:18:50,254 Don't touch, don't touch, don't touch. 468 00:18:53,382 --> 00:18:56,051 Oh, great, the one disease I can't get. 469 00:18:57,386 --> 00:18:59,680 God, why have you forsaken me? 470 00:19:02,015 --> 00:19:03,559 Wait a minute. 471 00:19:03,642 --> 00:19:05,144 Wait… 472 00:19:05,227 --> 00:19:06,937 I think so. 473 00:19:07,020 --> 00:19:08,355 I think I got it. 474 00:19:09,439 --> 00:19:10,691 Thank you, Lord! 475 00:19:11,024 --> 00:19:13,610 -Jordan? What's going on? -Oh, nothing. 476 00:19:15,112 --> 00:19:17,156 Oh, no. You, too? 477 00:19:17,573 --> 00:19:19,324 Oh, it's okay. I don't mind. 478 00:19:19,408 --> 00:19:21,660 Now you're going to miss your school's air fair. 479 00:19:22,369 --> 00:19:23,871 You don't mind that your classmates 480 00:19:23,954 --> 00:19:25,914 are going to ride in the helicopter without you? 481 00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:27,541 -Air fair? -Mm-hmm. 482 00:19:27,624 --> 00:19:29,001 Helicopter? 483 00:19:29,084 --> 00:19:30,085 This week? 484 00:19:30,335 --> 00:19:32,421 Sorry, sweetie. I'll go get the medicine. 485 00:19:32,796 --> 00:19:34,381 You don't touch nothing. 486 00:19:37,384 --> 00:19:40,721 You give with one hand and you take with the other. 487 00:19:45,559 --> 00:19:48,020 All right, Chris, how we going to leave this, man? 488 00:19:48,645 --> 00:19:52,107 Bernie, I didn't take your material, okay? 489 00:19:52,191 --> 00:19:55,110 I admire you, man. I've been admiring you for a long time 490 00:19:55,194 --> 00:19:58,155 and every now and then, you know what? I'm going to sound like you. 491 00:19:58,238 --> 00:20:00,657 But just consider it a compliment. 492 00:20:00,741 --> 00:20:02,326 I look up to you, man. 493 00:20:02,409 --> 00:20:04,703 Hey, there was times you sounded like Redd. 494 00:20:04,786 --> 00:20:06,413 There was times you sounded like Bill. 495 00:20:06,496 --> 00:20:08,457 There was times you sounded like Richard. 496 00:20:08,540 --> 00:20:10,834 I remember one time you sounded like Roseanne. 497 00:20:11,585 --> 00:20:13,295 Hey, man, I look up to you. 498 00:20:13,795 --> 00:20:15,672 Consider it a compliment. 499 00:20:15,756 --> 00:20:17,758 Yeah, but you stole my material tonight. 500 00:20:17,841 --> 00:20:19,301 Yeah, I stole your joke tonight. 501 00:20:19,384 --> 00:20:22,304 'Cause of the way you was acting. I wanted to smack you with a brick. 502 00:20:25,641 --> 00:20:26,725 You're right. 503 00:20:26,808 --> 00:20:28,268 Man, we're family. 504 00:20:28,352 --> 00:20:29,728 We family, man. 505 00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:33,315 Thinking of family, you better come on and say good night to the kids. 506 00:20:33,398 --> 00:20:36,777 -They think you're funnier than me. -[laughs] Those some smart kids. 507 00:20:36,860 --> 00:20:39,154 Hey, I love you, man. 508 00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:40,447 Love you, too, man. 509 00:20:40,530 --> 00:20:43,116 Jordan'll be doing your voice, all your material and stuff. 510 00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:44,409 Plus Wanda cooked, you hungry? 511 00:20:44,493 --> 00:20:46,787 I think we'll have some pinkeye samon. 512 00:20:48,705 --> 00:20:53,460 [announcer] …and your cohosts, Chris Rock and Bernie Mac. 513 00:20:53,543 --> 00:20:55,796 Bernie, my eye is killing me, man. 514 00:20:55,879 --> 00:20:57,506 I can't read this teleprompter. 515 00:20:57,589 --> 00:20:59,341 You think you could help me out? 516 00:20:59,424 --> 00:21:00,717 Don't worry, baby. 517 00:21:00,801 --> 00:21:02,302 I got the jokes. 518 00:21:02,386 --> 00:21:03,804 You lead. 519 00:21:05,347 --> 00:21:07,641 I know that was a little petty, America. 520 00:21:07,724 --> 00:21:12,020 But, hey, he threw me a bone, I had to give a little back. 521 00:21:13,605 --> 00:21:15,565 Oh, come on, don't look at me like that. 522 00:21:15,649 --> 00:21:17,109 Just let it go, America. 523 00:21:17,192 --> 00:21:18,527 Just let it go. 524 00:21:21,697 --> 00:21:23,615 I had to give a little back. 525 00:21:24,992 --> 00:21:26,952 Oh, come on, don't look at me like that. 526 00:21:27,035 --> 00:21:28,370 Just let it go, America. 527 00:21:28,453 --> 00:21:29,913 Just let it go. 528 00:21:31,790 --> 00:21:34,293 Oh, if Chris was a little taller, it wouldn't be no thing. 529 00:21:34,376 --> 00:21:36,545 'Cause if you're a little man picking on the big man 530 00:21:36,628 --> 00:21:38,005 that's what you always say. 531 00:21:38,088 --> 00:21:40,465 "Poor little man. Big man picking on the little man." 532 00:21:40,549 --> 00:21:42,342 But, see, big man can't win. 533 00:21:42,426 --> 00:21:44,845 See, if a big man beat on a little man, "Poor thing." 534 00:21:44,928 --> 00:21:46,179 If a little man beat him, 535 00:21:46,263 --> 00:21:48,473 "Why you let that little man whup your ass?" 536 00:21:48,557 --> 00:21:51,393 Pop go the weasel until the weasel go pop.